Toxic Behaviors

[NerdCake]

No one is perfect and I'm sure we can all agree. However some people get so lost in their toxic behaviors I just don't feel like they'll ever return. 

I've had a very up and down relationship with my mother-in-law. She used to treat me as her own, but now I understand this was because I wouldn't say no to her and would do things her way. As I got older(I've been with her son for 10 years) I began to say no and make my boundaries very well known. Well, now our close relationship is no more, she will cry and say she has no kids, that they don't love her anymore and she has been shunned from the family. I state how this isn't true she just needs to accept boundaries (Especially when it comes to my daughter) and she refuses to see things from any perspective that isn't her own.. 

It's so frustrating, I'm honestly at wits end and don't know what to do. Every time she insists that she is the victim that she could never do anything wrong.  

sorry for the rant here..

They say to cut out toxic people from your life, it's honestly easier said then done since she made it a point to build a very strong relationship with our daughter and makes me feel guilty. But I really don't want that influence in my daughters life.. 

Has anyone else dealt with someone like this?? What do you do in this situation?🥴

[UncleFester]

My gut instinct, and you really shouldn't trust it, would be to burn all bridges, and do your best to strongly dissuade any further correspondence.

But there's two reasons this maybe isn't the best idea. One, while I cannot know the vagaries of your situation, that relationship may be salvageable through better communication, but this requires willingness on both sides (sounds like they're not the type to concede though). Second, it is not always so easy to totally cut someone out of your life in this manner, and you'll have to accept, if any, repercussions down the line.

Console yourself with the notion that in my case, while I have a fairly good relationship with a foster parent, that person's ex-wife is an absolute monstrosity of a human being. After wresting control of the two kids they had together (as well as material assets), she attempted to completely deny them access to their father, and despite visitation rights, she coerced them into not taking advantage of it. One of them has only begun to speak to me now they've left her shadow.

So, tl;dr, everybody has their family shit to deal with, and it could always be much, much worse. No reason to exacerbate things, just set firm limits, and make it very clear that these are, in fact, limits, and not just another arbitrary rule that'll magically dissolve for them when they complain loud enough. She'll either learn to deal with it, or make herself look an absolute fool in the eyes of anyone reasonable.

[SkovandOfMitaze]

Normally I support cutting toxic people out of your life. I still do. But it’s a bit more tricky when it comes to family, including in laws. All you can do is try to focus on control and concern. The whole story is very concerning. Your in-law is acting like a emotional vampire and trying to manipulate you.  You can’t control her and you can’t control how she will feel. Since you can’t control it, you should limit the amount of concern you give to it. Just try to stay calm and make sure you are being fair and stand steady where you draw the line. I hope it gets better. 

[Trappernicus]

I have this one woman who attends my weekly group lunch. She is incredibly negative. Never seems to be happy. But oddly if I’m not going to lunch she doesn’t go either. Seems she will nay goes if I’m there. So I feel obliged to keep working on uplifting her view on life. Maybe she’ll lighten up some day. 🦊

[Diavolo]

In the past, I was very soft with family and with so-called "friends" who looked down on me. I ignored their mistreatment for fear of losing social advantages, for the terror of being alone, and, most stupidly, that they would think the worst of me.

 

In particular, I will tell very little about what I lived with my father, the cruelest person I know. As I grew up, I questioned his parenting methods and the worldview he wanted to impose on me. Especially his physical assaults; his violence against me and my family. For years, I tried to dialogue with him, however, I learned that, unfortunately, there are people for whom reason is not enough. I was able to get him to leave us alone by returning the violence that for years he deposited on me. He hasn't bothered us again. From then on, I was regaining confidence in myself and I was getting rid of dozens of toxic links. I do not have the support of my father or any of my relatives. My life is not easy, I accept it, but the peace I experience is worth it.

My case is an extreme one, I do not advocate in favor of violence. Maybe yes in favor of healthy insolation. Not all people want to reach a peaceful consensus. And that one must learn to recognize.

Distance and the acceptation that some people never learns keeps away unnecessary problems.

 

[NerdCake]

9 hours ago, Diavolo said:

In the past, I was very soft with family and with so-called "friends" who looked down on me. I ignored their mistreatment for fear of losing social advantages, for the terror of being alone, and, most stupidly, that they would think the worst of me.

 

In particular, I will tell very little about what I lived with my father, the cruelest person I know. As I grew up, I questioned his parenting methods and the worldview he wanted to impose on me. Especially his physical assaults; his violence against me and my family. For years, I tried to dialogue with him, however, I learned that, unfortunately, there are people for whom reason is not enough. I was able to get him to leave us alone by returning the violence that for years he deposited on me. He hasn't bothered us again. From then on, I was regaining confidence in myself and I was getting rid of dozens of toxic links. I do not have the support of my father or any of my relatives. My life is not easy, I accept it, but the peace I experience is worth it.

My case is an extreme one, I do not advocate in favor of violence. Maybe yes in favor of healthy insolation. Not all people want to reach a peaceful consensus. And that one must learn to recognize.

Distance and the acceptation that some people never learns keeps away unnecessary problems.

 

I do believe you are right. There is just no reasoning with this woman, when I bring my concerns up she gaslights me and tells me I remember it wrong. The empath in me wants to fix the relationship with her as I understand that she has been through a lot in her life. Unfortunately she just doesn't (and refuses) to understand how she acts is toxic and takes a toll on those around her. I just cannot bare the weight of her negativity any longer and I guess in a way I will mourn the relationship as I did gain some life knowledge from her before things went sour. I looked at her as another mother at one point. Dare I say she has narcissistic tendencies, she knows how to make me feel bad for her to the point I cannot answer the phone anymore because the entire phone call is about how I should feel sorry for her but no where does she take ownership of her actions. It's sad it has to be like this but it's for the best. I hope one day my daughter will understand why I had to cut off contact. 

[NikkiAngelus]

The most toxic person in my life is probably myself. I consider myself a reasonably nice, good person, but I have some serious character flaws. Pride, stubbornness, short temper, hypocrisy. I'm overly demanding of other people on things that I allow for myself. Said traits are also strengths when kept in check. I'm somewhat entrepreneurial and very goal-oriented. I'm just not necessarily too nice about said goals. I tend to appreciate being direct over sugar-coating stuff. Same goes for receiving feedback. I can't stand being told what to do or receiving personal insults, but efficient and direct communication is the key. If I'm expected to work for you, I want direct instructions.

Wow. That was many "directs" in way too few sentences...