ABlackViolet

Why I'm an ex-Christian and an ex-pagan: 

In 2001, after a particularly bad night of anxiety, during which I prayed to God/Jesus, I decided to start going to my childhood Episcopalian church as a teenager. When the rector suggested being confirmed, I leaped at it. I was the only teen in the group who was there willingly. It was obvious that the others were made to do it because of family. I pitied them and felt it was wrong. During that time, I went every Sunday. I joined the contemporary choir. I was there every week. 

I had researched modern Witchcraft and Wicca as a preteen, but I still went to church on Palm Sunday and the like. My interest in paganism at the time was more of a hobby.

In October of 2003, I became interested in it, again. I reread some of the books I had collected, years before; however, I wanted to stay a Christian while becoming pagan so badly. I had anxiety attacks over the whole thing, sometimes having to leave school. I was terrified to go against the first commandment. 

As a lifelong lover of ancient Egypt, since Elementary school, I thought that Isis was giving me signs to come to her throughout my life. I had stumbled across an Osiris necklace that I felt compelled to have, years earlier, and that's how I found out who she was.

In 2003, she was on the pages of one of my books on Wicca among options of deities to dedicate an alter to. I thought this was a sign. I stopped caring much about Witchcraft or Wicca, and I hunted down a way to follow Isis in the modern day.

At first, I researched how to follow Isis and Jesus. All that research lead me to was the likelihood that Christianity is merely recycled and repackaged paganism. Once I learned that, I stopped giving a fuck about the first commandment or the Bible at all. I left Christianity when I found no reason to stay. 

A librarian helped me find the Fellowship of Isis. Through that, I found a local NY priestess who was also previously Episcopalian. I thought that was a sign, too. After we met, we were friendly, emailing for years.

I rationalized following paganism because it was the "original," which wasn't entirely true, either. I was following Isis, primarily. While she was certainly one of the most ancient goddesses, she probably wasn't the first mythological character to be a "virgin mother" that wasn't really a virgin who gave birth to a god that saved his people and so on and so forth, but she was pretty damned close, and the one I was drawn to. 

I joined the Fellowship of Isis at 16. I didn't perform rituals very often at all. I mostly prayed to Isis. I had an alter. I had a winged Isis necklace that I only took off to shower from age 15-36. I acknowledged Samhain and Beltane. Samhain was the one I did the most with. I did rituals, believing I was speaking with the gods and those who passed on in order to gain wisdom.

Over the years, my passion for paganism continued, due to all the injustice done to pagans throughout history, while their gods had most likely been rebranded as Christian mythology, which included labeling anything pagan to be "Satan;" however, my faith in paganism faded without really acknowledging it. I believed that the gods didn't need to be proven. I believed that the bigger picture was that this "divine being" can be named whatever people wanted to name it. My preferred facet was Isis. 

Last year, I began questioning if I'm an atheist or agnostic. I didn't understand that most atheists are also agnostic. Being atheist only means you don't believe in gods; agnostic means you don't know if gods exist. They answer two separate questions; although, part of the same branch. 

I didn't think I could be an atheist because of the believed "signs from Isis" and other experiences I had that made me believe I had truly communicated with the divine. 

I stumbled across The Line and The Atheist Experience on YouTube. Within listening to the first call with a Christian, and the question for them being "Do you have a good reason to believe," it resonated with me. I went from assuming the Christian obviously had stupid reasons for believing to realizing that I also had stupid reasons for believing. I was willingly admitting that I could not prove deities, and yet I was okay with that. 

It took a few more months to be comfortable acknowledging my lack of belief in gods and calling myself an "atheist" or "agnostic." It took time to acknowledge that I didn't have a good reason to believe in supernatural things or an afterlife, either. 

Now, I wish to only believe in things that are likely true. I'm skeptical of more things. I think more deeply about philosophical questions. Questioning has become a passion. Encouraging others to question has become a mission. I care about human rights and truth. I always cared about separation of church and state, and now I feel more prepared to argue for it.